Articles – Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Anand Giridharadas’ Winners Take All: The Elite Charade of Changing the World Describes the Consequences and Costs to Us All When Wealth and Power Trump Democracy Within Efforts to Tackle the World’s Most Challenging Crises

March 17, 2021/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Nothing about us without us! My friend and colleague, Joe Husman, introduced me to this clarion call of the inclusion movement several years back. I have since come to see it as the essence of democracy.

How often, however, do the highest-level conversations about poverty, food insecurity, forced emigration, chronic unemployment, racism, sexism, homophobia include the voices of those who live these traumatic realities? And by include, I mean in a way that’s meaningful and not merely symbolic.

Most of those who convene at The World Economic Forum, The Aspen Institute, The Clinton Foundation, and similar gatherings live far removed from these issues’ worst effects. And they are also the very people whose global consulting firms, corporations, and investments perpetuate the problems these forums purport to address.

Enter Anand Giridharadas’ Winners Take All: The Elite Charade of Changing the World. The book takes readers on a tour of elite initiatives to save the world. He asks critical questions about who gets heard and what kinds of potential solutions gain support when private forums arranged by the world’s most wealthy individuals take precedence over government initiatives.

A tour de force for those seeking to expand their critical consciousness, Winners Take All invites each of us to ask ourselves searching questions about our motives and deeply held values. For example, it describes the ascendance of “thought leaders” and corresponding decline of critics in accordance with the demand for “win-wins opportunities” and discomfort with the mention of unpleasantries such as inequality and privilege.

The book offers an invitation to personal and institutional accountability as well as suggestions for positive change. Perhaps most important of all, Winners Take All challenges us to examine the current state of democracy and our commitment to its vitality.

How Can Leaders Support Their Employees’ Mental Health?

October 21, 2020/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Source: HAYS

While mental health was once a taboo topic in the workplace, many high-profile campaigns have encouraged a more open attitude towards it. As employees become more willing to talk about their mental wellbeing, do leaders need to be better prepared to support them?

Recognise the scale of the challenge

The COVID-19 pandemic has created many challenges for employers; but supporting employees who are struggling with mental health issues has been one of the most complex. From anxiety over their physical health, to experiencing loneliness while working remotely, many workers have experienced additional mental strain in 2020.

In fact, according to US mental health provider Ginger, 69 per cent of US workers said the pandemic has been the most stressful time in their professional lives. Furthermore, a study conducted by Hays in Australia & New Zealand found that just 42 per cent of the local workforce rate their current mental health & wellbeing as positive, down from 63 per cent pre-COVID-19.

Of course, many workplace mental health challenges were already in place well before the pandemic. According to a report by Mercer and Business in the Community, 39 per cent of UK employees experienced poor mental health due to work in 2019, up from 36 per cent the previous year; meanwhile 2019 research by AIA Vitality found that in Australia, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Sri Lanka and Thailand, more than half of the respondents had experienced work-related stress.

Aside from the ethical duty employers have to their employees, there are financial implications too. Internationally, the World Health Organization estimates that depression and anxiety issues cost the global economy $1 trillion a year in lost productivity.

This year, the challenge is likely to have grown. According to the same research from Ginger, of the 88 per cent workers who reported experiencing moderate to extreme stress, 62 per cent noted losing at least one hour a day in productivity and 32 per cent lost at least two hours a day due to COVID-19-related stress.

Set the tone from the top

The figures suggest it is important for employers to take these challenges more seriously, and take more responsibility for the mental health and wellbeing of their people. But what does this mean for leaders? Whether they are executives or managers, should they be equipped with the skills and knowledge to identify any potential issues and offer support to anyone who is struggling? Or should this already be part of their skill set?

“It’s critically important for organisations to ensure their leaders have the right leadership skills to create an engaging and inclusive environment,” comments Mark Edgar, Co-Founder of future foHRward in Canada. “More specifically, skills that increase awareness and confidence around managing mental health issues are a very important component of leadership development.”

Yet Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, a licensed therapist, author and leadership advisor in the US, believes that training leaders on awareness of mental health issues, while helpful, misses the heart of the matter. “Leaders need to be educated on leadership skills. Effective leaders develop respectful, caring, trusting relationships with those who report to them. If you’ve got highly effective leadership, you’ve got what you need for a mentally healthy workplace culture.”

And while there may be a belief that these skills are a prerequisite for leaders, it seems that many organisations have a long way to go in convincing their workforce they understand mental health challenges. Research by Mind Share Partners found that only 41 per cent of employees felt mental health was prioritised at their organisation, and just 37 per cent viewed their leaders as advocates for mental health at work.

This indicates there may be problems with culture. If workers do not believe that their organisation provides a positive and inclusive working environment, or trust that it will provide the support they need, businesses may not be able to break down the stigma around mental health. So how can leaders ensure employees are willing to open up?

“It’s important to be deliberate in creating and maintaining a culture that allows people to bring their full selves to work,” advises Edgar. “This can be done by reviewing processes, policies and people practices to ensure they are amplifying the positive elements of the culture and creating an inclusive and safe environment.”

Treacy Webster, Director of Talent Management at Ceuta Group, a global brand management business, says that the most effective way to create a supportive culture is to normalise all support mechanisms, such as mental health first aiders, internal communications on mental wellbeing, mental health training, and mental wellbeing services available through employee health schemes. “By doing so, we can proactively reduce the stigma around mental health that often prohibits people from openly seeking support, while increasing awareness for those who may be hesitant to offer support,” she says.

Share personal experiences, but only if you can do so authentically

Another way leaders can offer their support is to act as a role model and be open about their own mental health challenges. Kelly Greenwood, CEO of Mind Share Partners in the US, believes leaders must go first in setting the example. “Being vulnerable – whether about mental health or not – is critical in creating a safe team environment where direct reports feel comfortable opening up about their own challenges. We find that employees typically only need a small window to do so. Having leaders open up about their mental health challenges is a hugely powerful mechanism to reduce stigma since it flips the stereotype on its head.”

Dolan-Del Vecchio believes that leaders are role models for everyone in the organisation. “Leaders should be encouraged to be as open regarding personal mental health challenges, as they are when it comes to their physical, family and other life challenges.”

He adds, however, that leaders also need to be thoughtful regarding when it makes sense to share these aspects of their selves. “They should not do it gratuitously,” he notes.

Edgar agrees, warning that being authentic in these scenarios is vital: “A key component of successful leadership is building trust. This requires a level of authenticity to allow leaders to be a positive role model. However, they should only share what they are comfortable sharing and shouldn’t be expected to unless the environment supports them appropriately.”

Many of the senior leaders at wellness platform Gympass have opened up about their mental health journeys, to show that anyone affected by mental health issues will find understanding at the highest level. Pietro Carmignani, CEO, Gympass Europe, is one of them.

“A number of leaders in our business have already shared their own stories and struggles of mental health, including me,” he comments. “People really appreciate the honesty and feel that if their managers can talk about it, so can they. Encouraging employees to talk in an open, supportive and honest environment is powerful and effective. That said, you can only ask leaders to do what they feel able to; their privacy must be respected.”

Be the first line of defence

Another effective initiative to reduce the stigma and raise awareness around workplace mental health is to train people – including leaders – to be mental health first aiders (MHFA). Webster remarks that the most effective mental health first aiders are those who volunteer willingly.

“It takes understanding, calm and quiet confidence to be able to talk, listen and support. When leaders have these attributes and are readily available to assist, they are great candidates to be mental health first aiders, but those who would make effective mental health first aiders can be from any level within an organisation.”

Global engineering and design firm Atkins – a member of the SNC-Lavalin Group – introduced a MHFA programme in 2017. Jilly Calder, the company’s Vice President HR, UK & Europe, says that while they do have a number of senior leaders who are MHFAs, they have tried to ensure they have a mix of people from all levels.

“In our organisation, it is more about getting the right individuals involved and we intend to get representation across the whole hierarchy within the business. One of the challenges in ensuring the programme is successful is making sure we are selecting the right people.”

Following a campaign raising awareness around mental health and the role of MHFAs, Atkins advertised for people to sign up to the programme. All MHFA volunteers undertake a two-day training course, on behalf of MHFA England, while existing MHFAs receive refresher training every two years.

“The MHFA network is an internal service staffed by volunteers that have successfully completed an approved MHFA training course,” explains Calder. “Previous knowledge and experience are not prerequisites to becoming an effective MHFA, as the training course and reference materials provide an excellent foundation.”

As a result of the MHFA service, the firm has started to see a decline in occupational health referrals and an increase in the number of MHFA interventions year on year. There are also now over 100 people on the waiting list to join the programme. “More and more people want to become MHFAs, which is a great sign that the business is embracing it and seeing the benefits it can bring to an organisation,” remarks Calder.

Furthermore, Calder says Atkins is now actively encouraging colleagues from the BAME community to become MHFAs as well. “It would be beneficial for our BAME colleagues to have better representation in this space. That’s definitely a priority going forward for us. We recognise we need to do more to attract BAME employees to take on the mantle of MHFA.”

Carmignani points out that mental health first aid is only one part of the puzzle. “You don’t need the full training to have sufficient awareness to be supportive and understanding. All leaders should have some form of awareness training, so they can identify mental ill-health, know how to support it and be able to signpost people to further help where needed.”

Ensure supply meets demand

While identifying and supporting employees with mental health problems can be a good first step, many companies choose to outsource mental health care to third parties, offering access to expert help and guidance. However, organisations still need to ensure mental health support is entrenched within the business.

“I believe leadership teams should drive support within the company,” comments Carmignani. “Third parties can provide excellent training, practical and professional support and an outsider perspective, but when it comes to day-to-day engagement, attentiveness to who needs help, and on-going efforts to de-stigmatise mental ill-health, it must be embedded in a business through initiatives and an open-door policy.”

Calder adds that, while Atkins does rely on a broad spectrum of external suppliers to support their MHFAs, the company still holds responsibility for employee welfare.

“We are very aware that we have overall accountability for the wellbeing of our employees. As a company, we are ultimately responsible and our line managers are accountable. They play a key role in assisting employees to access support. It has to be a collaboration across that supply chain.”

Companies could also consider implementing employee resilience programmes to combat workplace mental health issues; however, it’s important to first find out if these programmes suit the needs of the employees.

Also, while they may be beneficial, these programmes can imply that mental health challenges appear due to a deficit in an individual employee, rather than the company’s culture, policies or processes, warns Greenwood.

“Companies need to consider their role and minimise workplace factors that are proven to negatively impact mental health, such as job strain or lack of trust. Teaching employees an effective, evidence-based strategy to manage stress is helpful, but doing so within an ecosystem of unhealthy work practices and a toxic culture will inevitably result in turnover.”

Dolan-Del Vecchio says that while such programmes are nice to have, they will not be effective without ensuring leaders support employees struggling with mental health. “The solution is effective leadership within organisations that have reasonable productivity expectations. In other words, the solution is a healthy, including mentally healthy, organisational culture.”

Webster agrees, concluding that while there are further steps businesses can take, mental health care must start with company culture. “People, including those in leadership positions, will only be open about their challenges when they are ready. If the company culture is right, people will feel comfortable to share, regardless of their position.”

Let’s Stay Focused on Ending White Supremacy

September 1, 2020/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

In the wake of the 2014 police killings of Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, Eric Garner, and other innocent black people, I collaborated to deliver a surge of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) programs. In the fall of 2016 after the election of Donald Trump resulted in a number of terrified employees raising concerns for their personal safety, I collaborated to deliver another rush of DEI programs. Now, in the wake of George Floyd’s murder by Minneapolis police officers, Breonna Taylor’s murder by Louisville police officers, and other videotaped vigilante and police murders of black people, my colleagues and I who work on DEI matters find ourselves in another heightened period of activity.

I have a request for my white colleagues: I ask that we never lessen the current urgency of our personal and organizational commitment to ending racism and linked oppressions (sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and ableism).

White supremacy/racism is the reason our organizations:

Get whiter at each progressive level of authority.
Lack the connections that make it easier to recruit/hire people who are not white.
Lose new hires who are not white.

White supremacy/racism is the reason that most of us, as individuals:

Grew up in exclusively white neighborhoods, attended schools and communities of faith surrounded almost exclusively by white people, and, consequently, feel most comfortable in the company of other white people.
Experienced an education which taught us that white men created everything of value in the world.
Consume mainstream media that leaves us uninformed about the realities of slavery, lynching, Black codes, Jim Crow, redlining, mass incarceration, and the disproportionate killing of unarmed black people by the police.

If we are to create a truly just world, including just workplaces, we who are white must place our work to end racism and linked oppressions as much at the center of our lives as white/supremacy is today. When we lessen our striving to end white supremacy, we invariably end up perpetuating it, such is its grip on our way of life.

One key support for this work can be found in reading. I’ve attached an image showing current and classic titles that I believe have great importance for white US citizens. I hope these titles prove helpful to you, and I hope that you stand with me in this transformative effort.

Pet Loss: A Particular Grief (First Published by PESI UK , see link below)

April 21, 2020/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Original source: https://www.pesi.co.uk/Blog/2020/April/Pet-Loss-A-Particular-Grief

How does grief affect us when it relates to an animal companion? An animal enthusiast himself, therapist and author Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio led pet loss groups for over a decade. To mark National Pet Month in the UK, he urges practitioners to appreciate the intensity of a grief that can often leave clients feeling isolated and stigmatised.

I was in Düren, Germany, on March 10 visiting Erik and Christina, my son and daughter-in-law, when I got the invitation to write this blog. Three days later, the US government’s hastily imposed travel ban had me on the Tube from London City Airport to Heathrow. I hoped my standby ticket for the final leg of my new hodgepodge itinerary home would become a seat on Boston-bound British Airways flight 239.

After the tube train rose above ground, I watched London, a city I had not expected to visit, stream before me. The strangeness of it all brought a mix of feelings I recognised as grief: shock, confusion, sadness and anger at having to leave my son days before planned and under such worrisome circumstances, and guilt for having made the trip at all amid news of the virus.

Every notable change, even the best – a marriage, a newborn’s birth – brings a measure of grief for what’s been lost. Every therapist should be skilled at helping their clients recognise, normalise, and honour these feelings. While grief has many possible origins, I’ll focus here on one in particular that doesn’t always receive full recognition. For 12 years, I led support groups for people who had lost an animal companion. I share below three challenges typical of their experience (and you’ll find a list of pet loss tips you can share directly with your clients on my website).

Unexpected Intensity

Losing an animal companion causes many people more anguish than losing their parent, sibling, or a close friend. I have heard this from people of all ages, genders, and backgrounds, including parents with children at home, people with satisfying couple relationships, and people with rich friendship networks. Almost invariably, they express guilt, questioning whether they truly loved their human family members. It helps to emphasise the commonality of their experience and assure that it casts no doubt upon their feelings for those lost. Possible explanations for the intensity: the uncomplicated nature of the human-companion animal bond, its extraordinary closeness (how many other beings do we touch with our hands so regularly?), and how caring for a pet’s every need builds intimacy rivaling that between parent and infant.

Immense Guilt

While it’s common for people to experience some degree of guilt while grieving any loss, two factors in addition to the one mentioned above often compound the guilt accompanying this loss. First, not possessing the power of speech, animals depend entirely upon us to remedy their failing health. Many pet owners damn themselves for not catching an early symptom that, in reality, no human being could have been expected to spot. There is also the euthanasia conundrum. Questions about whether and when to end a pet’s suffering can rarely be answered with absolute conviction. The inherent uncertainty invites a cascade of doubt and guilt.

Stigma

Mainstream culture’s emphasis on positivity, happiness, and resilience, coupled with its aversion to everything related to death, conspires to stigmatise all but the most short-lived expressions of grief no matter what loss we’ve suffered. Add to this how a sizable number of people objectify animals (“Why don’t you just get another?”) and you’ll begin to grasp how isolated and stigmatised your client may feel. Stigma can also have real consequences. A number of people have told me that mentioning their grief at work caused a supervisor to view them as less worthy of key assignments and promotion.

Many of us love our animal companions dearly and experience extraordinary grief when they die. We may also feel racked with guilt for “having failed them”. And, mentioning any of this may cause others to view us negatively. Please keep these realities in mind when working with clients who have experienced such losses. And, thank you for helping your clients with this important life challenge.

Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Senior Professional in Human Resources (SPHR) who led monthly pet loss groups for eleven years. He is a lifelong animal companion enthusiast, having shared his home with dogs, cats, chickens, rabbits, cockatiels, finches, chinchillas, guinea pigs, turtles, mice, one horse, and one rat. A special rat, indeed, Nero sat on Ken’s shoulder eating peanuts while Ken studied late into the evenings while at college.

Ken is the author of four books, including The Pet Loss Companion: Healing Advice from Family Therapists Who Lead Pet Loss Groups; Simple Habits of Exceptional (But Not Perfect) Parents; and Making Love, Playing Power: Men, Women, and the Rewards of Intimate Justice. He is an award-winning leader and keynote speaker in the field of workplace mental health.

Pet Loss Tips

March 30, 2020/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Don’t be surprised if losing your pet hurts more than when you lost a human family member. It is absolutely normal for some people who lose their animal companion to find this loss hurts more than when they lost a human loved one. If you’re one of those people, it doesn’t mean you loved your parent, sibling, or friend any less. Instead, it means you had an exceptionally close bond with your animal companion, probably because they lived in your house with you all of their lives, you touched them with your hands every day, and you may have cared for them in a very intimate way—bathing them, clipping their nails, preparing their food, and administering medication. This kind of closeness often builds an exceptionally deep connection.
While grieving, it’s normal to feel numb, disbelieving, furious, guilty, sad, hopeless, confused, and calm–all within just a few minutes. You may also have difficulties with short-term memory, sleeping, and eating.
Expect your grief to progress unevenly. It’s normal to feel one day (or one minute) like you’re calm and doing better, and then all of a sudden, the next minute, or day, you fall back into your grief. Over time you’ll feel better, but the progression generally feels unsteady.
People grieve differently. There’s no one way, nor right way to do it. Some people show a lot of feelings to a lot of people, others grieve more quietly. The length of time grief persists varies from one individual to the next. There are no correct and incorrect ways to get through this.
Deciding to end your pet’s suffering through euthanasia can be a gift of love when the irreversible pain of illness or infirmity outweighs the pleasures of living. It helps to make the decision with input from others who you love and trust.
Even the most loving pet guardians often feel guilty. No matter how much love and care you gave, how closely you paid attention to symptoms, or how carefully you made end-of-life decisions, in hindsight you may torment yourself with the suspicion that you failed to love, care, plan, and do enough. Take heart. Over time, talking these concerns through with others and thinking them through on your own will eventually help you see that you did all that you could.
Take good care of yourself: eat well, rest, exercise, and get support from others. Share what you’re going through with people who love and respect you, those who understand how much you loved your friend. Try to get enough sleep. If sleep proves difficult, soothe yourself with soft music, meditation, or stretching before retiring. Try to rest even if sleep eludes you. Do your best to eat well and drink lots of water. Stick with your regular program of exercise and daily activity. Sometimes working helps because it keeps you structured, provides constructive distraction, and places you close to loving friends. Sometimes it’s better to take a bit of time off.
It can’t hurt to see a therapist, but it’s often not necessary. Many people worry that their grief feels so extreme that they need professional help. While it can never hurt to consult a therapist, if you are able to keep up your daily responsibilities: bathing, preparing food, taking care of dependents, working or performing the other activities that give your day structure, then you don’t need to see a therapist. If, however, you feel persistently sad, hopeless, or unable to experience even a few moments of joy for a span of two weeks or more, then you owe it to yourself to visit a therapist for evaluation of clinical depression.
Inform and include children in ways that fit their age. Children younger than five typically cannot grasp the permanence of death. It can help to explain that the pet’s body stopped working and they will not wake up, eat, or move anymore. You may need to repeat this explanation a number of times. By age eight or nine most children understand death in a more adult fashion. Children of all ages, including teenagers, tend to assume that when unwelcome things happen in their family, somehow they may have had something to do with it. It can help to reassure them that this is not so by telling them that their friend died because she was old or sick or suffered an injury, and nothing they did contributed to this happening. Include children in whatever ritual the family decides upon: reading good-bye letters, letting go of balloons, or whatever other way you choose to mark your friend’s passing.
Sometimes other pets in the household appear to be grieving as well. Give them extra love and attention.
If people make insensitive comments like “Can’t you just get another dog?” or “It was only a cat!” here are some options for responding:
- “She was one of my very best friends—if your best friend died and I said ‘Can’t you just get another friend?’ how would you feel?”
- “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and imagine that you’re trying to help, but I loved my cat, he was a member of my family, and what you said totally dismissed the way I feel about losing him.”
- Sometimes it’s best to say nothing at all and end the conversation.
The right time to adopt another pet varies from person to person, but it can never hurt to wait longer if you’re uncertain. When you choose to bring a new animal companion home, however, don’t expect them to replace your lost friend or take away your grief.

Pet Loss Resources

The Pet Loss Companion: Healing Advice from Family Therapists Who Lead Pet Loss Groups. by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio and Nancy Saxton-Lopez. CreateSpace. 2013.
Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet. by Moira Anderson Allen. Dog Ear Publishing. 2007.
Goodbye Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet. by Gary Kowalski. New World Library. 2012.
I’ll Always Love You (a book for parents to share with their children). By Hans Wilhelm. Dragonfly Books. 1988.
aplb.org (Association of Pet Loss Bereavement)

How Employers Can Foster a Mentally Healthy Workplace

May 1, 2019/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Is your workplace somewhere you feel safe, respected, valued, and empowered to do your best work? Given that most U.S. adults spend much of their waking hours on the job, it’s a question well worth asking. When you consider that one in five of those adults experience a mental health condition, it becomes even more urgent.

While a completely stress-free workplace is unrealistic, companies do have an important role to play in creating conditions that promote employees’ mental health. This not only makes work a more pleasant experience for your staff — multiple studies show that supporting employees’ mental health is good for businesses’ bottom line. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) estimates that untreated mental illness costs the U.S. over $100 billion per year in lost productivity. And a 2016 World Health Organization study revealed that investment in mental health care yields a fourfold return in the form of better health and productivity.

“It’s the right thing to do but it’s also the smart thing to do, and I think employers are really getting that,” says Nancy Spangler, founder and CEO of Spangler Associates. “I think part of the reason employers are taking an interest in this is because it’s very, very costly not to.”

Indeed, more than half of employers in a Sept. 2018 Willis Towers Watson survey said they planned to invest in behavioral health to help manage rising health care costs. In April, the U.S. Department of Labor launched an online Mental Health Toolkit full of information for employers looking to support their employees’ mental health.

The responsibility of supporting employee mental health may seem daunting, but there are many things employers can do to achieve this and boost overall job satisfaction and productivity. What follows are some key steps your organization can take to help cultivate a mentally healthy workplace.

Break the Silence

Experts say that simply talking about mental illness can help normalize it, and helps create an environment where others feel safe to discuss the mental health issues affecting their lives.

“If people can come to work and have casual conversations about cardiac problems or diabetes, we should also be able to come to work and talk about a flare-up of our depression or anxiety and not feel like we’re going to be stigmatized for that,” says Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, a family therapist, keynote speaker, and president of GreenGate Leadership.

Town hall gatherings, team meetings, or company newsletters can all be opportune times to discuss mental health. This could mean sharing statistics around mental health and reminding employees of the importance of seeking care, or sharing your own experience with mental illness or that of a family member, says Dolan-Del Vecchio.

An email newsletter reminding staff about mental health benefits gives people plenty of time to read and ask questions via email, rather than in a meeting surrounded by co-workers. Consider providing webinars or on-site guest speakers presenting information about common mental health issues. Dates such as Mental Health Month in May or National Substance Abuse Prevention Month in October are great opportunities to broach these topics with your workforce.

Respect the Work-Life Balancing Act

The importance of “work-life balance” gets plenty of lip service these days, which makes sense given that Americans are logging longer hours, and spending more time connected to work, than in years past. All those hours on the job, or being just a couple of clicks away from it at all times, can quickly add up to work-related stress. Despite the proliferation of ways to stay tethered to work, there are at least as many actions employers can take to encourage work-life balance and reduce workers’ job-related stress. These include:

Offering a fair PTO policy and flexible work arrangements
Ensuring time for breaks throughout the day
Having managers lead by example and take vacation time and breaks
Keeping after-hours contact to a minimum

“What this all comes down to is treating people with care and respect and with regard for the fact that we have limits in terms of how much we can give to our work and still be well,” says Dolan Del-Vecchio.

Pay Attention to Performance Issues

Mental health struggles aren’t always readily apparent, and people tend to be uncomfortable divulging a mental health condition at work. While managers should never try to diagnose their employees, it is their job to take notice when performance issues or negative behavioral changes happen, says Dolan-DelVecchio.

“You’re a supervisor, not a therapist,” he says. “You hold them accountable for their performance.”

That means watching for the following:

Increases in absenteeism or lateness
Missing hours or days of work without explanation
A noticeable drop in functioning, engagement or productivity
Mood swings, outbursts or other uncharacteristic, erratic behavior
An unkempt physical appearance
Social withdrawal and apparent avoidance of interactions with others

When an employee starts displaying one or more of these behaviors, and especially if the behavior persists, it’s important to step in and address it, experts say. The sooner this happens, the sooner that person can get the care they need.

Ride-sharing giant Lyft collaborated with Lyra to create a guide for managers on how to identify and respond to signs of mental health issues among their staff. The guide specifies the manager’s role in establishing trust, and how to be approachable and supportive while respecting the team members’ privacy and keeping conversations professional.

Introducing this type of guide can be a useful tool in empowering managers to better support employee mental health.

Meet with the Employee and Remind Them of Available Resources

After noticing an employee’s performance or behavior issues, it’s best to speak with them privately, approaching the conversation with a focus on work performance.

“The manager could say, ‘Hey, I see that you’re struggling in your work, here’s what I’m seeing,’ and be very specific about what kinds of performance difficulties they’re seeing”, Spangler suggests. Once the manager has verbalized the problem, he or she can remind the employee of the mental health resources available to them and discuss next steps. This could include any of the following:

Connecting the person to your company’s employee assistance program (EAP)
Referring them to their Lyra benefit, if offered by your company
Referring them to a doctor, counselor or psychologist in their health care plan
Discussing possible accommodations such as remote work or fewer hours, or allowing breaks so the person can seek treatment
Mentioning your company’s disability policy (for those with a diagnosable mental illness)
Scheduling a follow-up meeting to check in and provide further assistance if needed

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As awareness of mental health issues grows and the cost savings of employer investment in mental health care become ever more apparent, the hope is that more employees will be able to respond “yes” when asked if their workplace is mentally healthy. In an increasingly competitive job market, now is the time to ask yourself how your own employees would respond.

Source: https://www.lyrahealth.com/blog/how-employers-can-foster-a-mentally-healthy-workplace/

Why The United States’ ‘Happiness’ Rating Just Hit A Record Low

March 23, 2019/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

SALT LAKE CITY — When it comes to the happiest countries around the globe, the United States has slipped another notch on the list to No. 19, according to Gallup’s annual reckoning for the United Nations. Finland is the happiest place, while South Sudan is the least happy.

But Americans are the glummest they’ve been since the report became an annual event in 2012.

The World Happiness Report surveyed people in 156 countries and based its definition of happiness on per capita GDP, healthy life expectancy, personal freedom, social support, generosity and perceptions of corruption. The report was released Wednesday.

The increasing challenge of addiction across America might be the reason the nation’s smile has slipped for the third year in a row, said one of the report’s authors, Jeffrey D. Sachs, director of the United Nations’ Sustainable Development Solutions Network.

In this Saturday, July 29, 2017 file photo, Finland’s flag flies aboard the Finnish icebreaker MSV Nordica as it arrives into Nuuk, Greenland. Finland has come out on top of an international index that ranks nations by how happy they are as places to live.

“This year’s report provides sobering evidence of how addictions are causing considerable unhappiness and depression in the U.S.,” said Sachs, who notes there are many types of addictions, including substance abuse, gambling and overuse of digital media. “The compulsive pursuit of substance abuse and addictive behaviors is causing severe unhappiness. Government, business and communities should use these indicators to set new policies aimed at overcoming these sources of unhappiness.”

It’s not the only report to find gloomy news about America’s mental state. In January, another Gallup poll found that just one-fourth of Americans like the “direction things are going” in the United States, though 77 percent are satisfied with their overall quality of life. And more than 6 in 10 said they believe people can improve their situation by working hard. But just 26 percent were satisfied with such aspects of American society as morality and ethics.

Meanwhile, the newly released 2018 General Social Survey found that young adult happiness is at a record low, with just one-fourth of young adults ages 18 to 34 saying they are “very happy.” And the Institute for Family Studies just republished an article on the declining state of mental health among America’s youths by Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University who often writes about the negative impact of technology overuse on mental well-being.

Measuring happiness

Lots of places are singing the blues, and most countries’ people are far less happy than Americans, despite the downward trend in the U.S.

The World Happiness Report findings are based on the Gallup World Poll, which has been taken since 2005. According to the news release accompanying the annual report, “When you factor in recent growth, world happiness has fallen in recent years, driven by the sustained and downward trend in India. As for emotions, there has been a widespread recent upward trend in negative affect, comprising worry, sadness and anger, especially marked in Asia and Africa and more recently elsewhere.”

“The rewards are mostly going to the very rich. In fact, the vast majority of people have seen little growth in their pay and substantial decline in employment security during the past several decades.”

Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, a family therapist

The report looks closely at “community” — both geographic communities and social networks — and looked at how happiness levels have changed over time, “with a focus on the technologies, social norms, conflicts and government policies that have driven those changes.” Various chapters also examine the effects of generosity and other prosocial behaviors, how one’s happiness influences voting and how internet use and addictions impact happiness, both good and bad.

Technology isn’t the only suspected contributor to the glum findings. Some believe the increasing gap between the richest and poorest people in the world — and in America, as well — causes some dismay.

“Prosperity may be rising by some measures, but it is far from evenly distributed,” said family therapist Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, author of “Simple Habits of Exceptional (But Not Perfect) Parents.” People are working harder than ever, for longer hours, without sharing in the rewards of their productivity, he added.

“The rewards are mostly going to the very rich. In fact, the vast majority of people have seen little growth in their pay and substantial decline in employment security during the past several decades. It can prove difficult to be happy when facing the stress of overwork and economic insecurity,” said Dolan-Del Vecchio.

Boosting joy

Happiness is more than a feel-good emotion. Experts claim it boosts overall health and well-being. Professor, psychologist and researcher Edward F. Diener, one of the world’s most recognized happiness experts — he wrote the book “Happiness” — said happiness might even extend life when the Deseret News interviewed him in 2017.

Carol, left, and Ed Diener discussing where Ed has collected data on happy families from around the globe in Salt Lake City, Utah on Monday, Aug. 28, 2017. Ed Diener is a research psychologist and Carol is clinical psychologist and they have applied principles of happiness and wellbeing to their family life and their lives together.

Diener led an in-depth study on happiness to review what had been proven by research about happiness and its impact. He and his colleagues examined 20 earlier study reviews and more than 150 new studies, and their findings were published by Applied Psychology. “It’s a very strong showing that happiness is probably good for health,” he told the Deseret News, calling happiness “good in general. Happy workers, for example, are more productive, more satisfied with their jobs, steal less from their workplace and help other workers more.”

Diener and other happiness researchers also point out that giving one’s time and resources to help others can boost happiness. According to the new World Happiness Report, nearly two-thirds of American adults reported donating to charity within the past month, while more than 4 in 10 volunteered their time and effort.

What else can people do to increase their personal happiness?

Dolan-Del Vecchio suggests devoting “more time and energy to face-to-face relationships with other people and less to relationships with things, starting with cellphones and other things with screens.”

Diener, too, noted the importance of “supportive social relationships,” something he said all genuinely happy people have.

Cutting back consumerism will help, too, according to Dolan-Del Vecchio, who recommends people ignore the “continuous barrage” of advertising. “Shiny new things will bring only a short burst of happiness, if even that.”

He suggests families talk together about wants versus needs and how they are different. “Buy what you need, get your joy primarily through relationships and time spent with loved ones and, if possible, put some money aside for savings to build your family’s financial security.”

Knowing how the world works and sharpening critical thinking skills also builds happiness, said Dolan-Del Vecchio. “We can do this by reading well-researched, in-depth journalism and giving less attention to shallow infotainment. And we can use our knowledge as motivations to get actively involved in movements for social justice.”

Also on Diener’s list was finding meaning and purpose, caring about others and getting out of poverty. And he noted that mental illness “devastates happiness,” so people who struggle with that should make getting help a priority.

Source: https://www.deseretnews.com/article/900061956/us-happiness-rating-finland-happiest-country-in-world.html

3 Steps Companies Can Take To Improve Mental Health In The Workplace

March 22, 2019/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Sick days among workers are commonly associated with physical ailments, but mental health issues also account for frequent absences. A report from the 2018 Mental Health in the Workplace Summit showed that more people miss work due to stress and anxiety than for physical illness or injury.

Dealing with mental health can be a delicate issue for both employers and employees. Some think it carries a stigma, thus employees may attempt to hide their problem. A survey by American Psychological Association found that less than half of American adult workers felt their companies supported the well-being of their employees.

Yet more companies, cognizant of productivity and cost issues associated with employee absences, are starting to implement mental health initiatives as part of their workplace wellness programs.

“Employees try to hide what they’re going through because they fear the negative consequences of being discovered. And these fears are justified,” says Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio (www.greengateleadership.com), formerly Vice President, Health and Wellness, at Prudential and founder of GreenGate Leadership^®. “Many otherwise capable managers become very uncomfortable when they hear one of their team members mention words like stress, anxiety, and depression.

“Forward-thinking employers are implementing initiatives that break stigma and improve access to effective care. They recognize the role of leaders at all levels in creating positive, respectful, health-promoting work environments. As has often been said, culture trumps strategy every time. An employer can have all the right policies in place, but it’s the culture that either brings these to life or makes them a joke.”

Dolan-Del Vecchio’s tips for employers:

Break the stigma. Studies indicate one in five American adults experience a form of mental illness. “Like most health conditions, these are most effectively treated when identified early,” Dolan-Del Vecchio says. “Stigma causes many who suffer to deny their need for care and, therefore, delay seeking it. Senior execs are in the best position to break the stigma. They can share their personal story if they live with a mental health condition, talk about how they have supported others, and sincerely encourage their employees to get the care they deserve.”
Improve access to effective care. “Hold your benefits provider system accountable for effective care delivery,” Dolan-Del Vecchio says. “Take a searching and fearless look at how well your organization’s mental health benefits actually serve those in need. You do that by creating an anonymous feedback mechanism for your employees and their family members. Sadly, I can almost guarantee that the results will show need for significant improvement.”
Train leaders. “Stress,” Dolan-Del Vecchio says, “is the enemy of health and sustained productivity. More than any other factor, our immediate supervisor creates the culture of our workplace. When leaders at every organizational level treat those who report to them with an attitude of caring and respect, including respect for initiative, autonomy, diversity, and reasonable limits when it comes to productivity, the best organizational results will follow.”

“It’s in everyone’s best interest for employers to fight the stigma linked to mental health issues, ensure medical benefit partners are delivering on their promises, and make sure leaders of people are up to the task,” Dolan-Del Vecchio says.

About Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio (www.greengateleadership.com) is an author, speaker, family therapist, and leadership and life skills consultant. His books include Simple Habits of Exceptional (But Not Perfect) Parents, The Pet Loss Companion: Healing Advice From Family Therapists Who Lead Pet Loss Groups and Making Love: Playing Power: Men, Women, and the Rewards of Intimate Justice. Ken founded GreenGate Leadership^® after retiring from his role as Vice President, Health and Wellness, at Prudential, where he was responsible for behavioral health services for the company’s 20,000 U.S. Employees.

Ken’s team’s work led Prudential to receive the American Psychological Association’s 2017 Organizational Excellence Award. Ken is a monthly NBC TV affiliate on-air guest and has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Reuters, Fast Company, Bloomberg, Ignites, Entrepreneur, Fox Business News, The Chicago Tribune, Inc. Magazine, Working Mother, HR Executive and other media.

In 2016 Ken was named Corporate Leader of the Year by the National Alliance of Mental Illness’ New York City-metro chapter.

Source: http://business.itbusinessnet.com/2019/03/3-steps-companies-can-take-to-improve-mental-health-in-the-workplace/

Radical Self-Awareness #2 – Is He a Racist? It’s the Wrong Question.

March 4, 2019/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Click Here To Read Radical Self-Awareness #1 – Introduction: The Importance of Power >

It was early December, 2000, and the unresolved presidential election was in the hands of the U.S. Supreme Court. I was at a holiday party where I knew the host and some of the guests very well. There were also some friends of the host there who I typically caught up with only at this annual event. Steve, the man I was talking with, fell into that category. He said, “Ken, you know I’m not homophobic and I’d love to hear the gay perspective on Gore v. Bush?”
I can’t help smiling as I remember Steve’s question, a gift revealing so much about the stories we tell ourselves.
“Steve, how can you possibly say that you’re not homophobic?” I said in a tone that I hoped sounded kind and not accusatory. “How can anybody who grew up in the United States say they’re not at least a little bit homophobic? I’m homophobic and I’m gay. I didn’t even admit to myself that I’m gay until I was 35 because the world around me—at school, all of media, and even in my family—had convinced me that being gay was one of the worst things anyone could possibly be.”
Steve and I continued our conversation. I told him that what I’d said about homophobia applied to racism and sexism as well. These had been drilled into me every day at school and by the television shows, movies, advertising, and songs of the day. I told him that almost every one of my textbooks and educators, starting in first grade and continuing through graduate school, would have me believe that all the great achievements in science, art, government, and sports belonged to white men. People of color were depicted almost exclusively as primitives if not savages and white women were mentioned mostly as helpmates and caregivers, born to provide support but never leadership. I told Steve that I’d work the rest of my life to get homophobia, racism, sexism, and other power over patterns completely out of me and out of my workplace, family, and everywhere else where I have any hope of making an impact.
They still live inside me and show up too regularly:

One afternoon I noticed three African-American young men laughing with each other as they headed toward me on a sidewalk in Newark, NJ. I reached into my pocket to secure my phone and wallet. Observing my own behavior, I challenged this racist impulse by reminding myself that these young men were behaving exactly the way that my white son and his friends do when they are on their way somewhere together. I relaxed, smiled, and said a quick “hello” as they passed. They returned my greeting.
When opening business meetings, I remind myself to remember the importance of everyone having equal time to voice their contributions and receive validation. I note my tendency to listen more carefully to human beings whose names begin with “vice president” than those who hold lower organizational titles. I note my lingering tendency to listen to men more carefully than women and white people more carefully than people of color. I recall times when I have caught myself enacting these classist, sexist, and racist patterns. I once caught myself just after I had interrupted an African-American woman who was one of the members of a team I led. I stopped speaking and apologized to her. I also told her and the others present that cutting her off was my racism and sexism rearing its ugly head and that, unfortunately, this continues to happen sometimes despite my best efforts.
After interviewing an employment candidate, I told a colleague that I thought my interviewee may be a great fit with the team but worried about their health and stamina because they were extremely overweight. My colleague said, “You have no idea what kind of health problem may be lurking inside of any of us and to make an assumption that this person is close to having a disability is all kinds of problematic. I’m glad you told me what you’re thinking because it’s called body shaming and you need to own it and get past it.” The person in question turned out to be an extraordinary member of our team.

Bias and oppression:

I mentioned that I almost used my institutional power as a leader to decide against hiring a skilled professional because of their body size. How many times have hiring managers rejected a candidate for this reason or because of their skin-color, gender, or sexual orientation, all of which have nothing to do with their professional qualifications? How many times do people of color, women, queer people, and people with disabilities leave a job because their coworkers in small but cumulatively powerful ways make them feel unwelcome? Bias means I like or dislike something. Racism, sexism, homophobia, and body-shaming are biases backed up by institutional power. They are forms of oppression. Negative bias can be harmful. Oppression, on the other hand, destroys careers, lives, families, and communities.
I worked for a time within a school-based family counseling clinic where I was the only man on the staff. At one meeting, the agency’s leader wondered aloud whether I sometimes found myself on the receiving end of “sexist oppression.” She said, “You’re the only man here and it seems like we’ve been wrapped up in bridal and baby showers these past few weeks. I hope you don’t feel “oppressed by a bunch of sexist women.”
I told her that not for one moment did I feel oppressed. I remember telling her that, while I was the only man within the agency, I could walk over to the public high school we served and be in a place where the principal and superintendent were male. I mentioned that the governor was male and, moreover, that the majority of people who held positions of power everywhere were male. I had absolutely no reason to fear that the school system or any of the other institutions of our society would back an effort to mistreat me because of my gender.
Even if this leader had held a bias against men and mistreated me accordingly, this would not have been sexism. Sexism is the ancient and enduring system in which all major institutions (governments, communities of faith, educational systems, mainstream media, and large workplaces) treat women as though they have less value than men. The world has never devalued people simply because they are men.

Even small acts of resistance matter.

Just as our complicity with oppression matters, so does our resistance to it. Together, we continuously shape the institutions that create our society. Together, we are those institutions. Our resistance matters even when it takes the form of speaking just a few words. At a conference some years back one of those present repeatedly said, “There are men and there are women.” I can’t remember exactly what point he was trying to make with this pronouncement and, knowing him, I am absolutely certain that he did not mean to offend anyone. I, however, felt compelled to interject, “I just want to add that there are human beings who do not identify as either men or women.” The man who had spoken agreed entirely and thanked me for saying that. Years later I was speaking with a colleague who made a point of saying to me, “I want to thank you. Years ago, we were at a conference together and you spoke up for the existence of trans people when I was feeling like their existence was being denied. I wanted to speak—my sibling is trans—but didn’t have the courage. I’ll always remember what you said and how it helped me feel comfortable again in that meeting.”

Privilege and oppression:

Privilege and oppression are two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other. Women being paid less than men for the same job (sexism) means that men are receiving more pay than women for that job (male privilege). African-American defendants given more significant jail sentences than white defendants for the same crime (racism) means that lesser sentences are being given to white defendants (white privilege). When same sex couples could not obtain the legal protections of marriage (homophobia) the fact that only opposite sex couples were able to receive these protections was an example of heterosexual privilege. Sexism cannot exist without male privilege, racism cannot exist without white privilege, homophobia cannot exist without heterosexual privilege, and so on. This is how power over works. For every oppressed group another group receives privilege. The remedy to privilege and oppression, the foundation of power with, is equality. Equality, the foundation of power with, will be the remedy.

Institutionalized *Power Over* Creates Privilege and Oppression
Male Privilege/Sexism	Cisgender Privilege/Transphobia
White Privilege/Racism	Youth Privilege/Ageism
Class (Organizational Level) Privilege/ Classism	Able Privilege (Including Mental Wellness Privilege) /Ableism (Including Mental Illness Stigma)
Heterosexual Privilege/Homophobia	Beauty Privilege/Body Shaming

Acknowledging the realities of privilege and oppression and accepting where we stand personally can make us feel deeply uncomfortable because, mainly, we take our privileges for granted. It may be difficult for a white person to see that not having to worry that we’ll be followed by a department store’s security staff as a suspected shoplifter is a privilege—but it is. Cisgender people may not be aware that it is a privilege to never have to worry that we may face assault as a result of our gender expression. People who live with heart disease, diabetes, migraines, and back problems may occasionally talk with their coworkers about how they’re doing with these conditions. They benefit from the concern and support they receive. Some of these people may never have imagined that this sort of supportive conversation is a privilege generally unavailable to people who live with anxiety, depression, and addiction disorders.
It’s a privilege to actively demonstrate racist, sexist, and other oppressive behaviors and not be held accountable for the impact of these behaviors upon others. We may never have been asked to consider how saying “that’s so gay” in the presence of a person struggling with accepting their sexual orientation may contribute to their feelings of isolation and despair. We may never have been challenged when we’ve made disparaging comments about people who practice a particular faith or people who live with disabilities. We may have made hiring, promotion, or key assignment decisions that were shaped at least in part by our sexist concern that a female team member, because of her gender alone, may be less devoted to her work than her male colleague. Because it can be uncomfortable to look at the ways that the world grants us advantages and the ways that we participate in sexism, racism, and other oppressions, we often resort to an all-too-human solution: denial.

Moving beyond denial:

How many times have you seen an interviewer on one of the cable news shows ask their on-air guests to opine on whether or not one public figure or another, usually an elected official, is a racist? The question always gets asked in a tone fraught with tense anticipation, as though the interviewer might just as well be asking whether the guest thinks that individual is a serial killer.
The tension surrounding this question reflects our dilemma regarding whether or not we can tell the truth about our power over system and the privileges and oppressions it requires. For well-intentioned people to benefit from the privileges delivered by this inherently unjust arrangement, without feeling bad about it, we must deny what is happening. Our denial shows up when we:

Resist examining our own racist, sexist, and homophobic thoughts and behavior and, as a result, continue them unchanged.
Become defensive rather than appreciative when our ideas and behavior related to diversity and power are challenged by others.
Reflexively defend rather than critically examine and work to make the institutions with which we identify more inclusive.

Our denial of oppression and privilege is what makes the question “Is (insert public figure’s name here) a racist?” so fraught with taboo, so full of potential for drama, and, hence, so irresistible for broadcasters. The question leads nowhere constructive, however.
Imagine a broadcast in which the interviewer asks a different question: “Given that we’re a society struggling to overcome racism, sexism, homophobia, and classism, how do you think (insert name here) is doing at challenging their own racism, sexism, and homophobia and leading us toward a future built on equality?” This question removes the need to deny the “isms” that live within the institutions of our society and us as individuals. It opens a path that leads away from power over and toward power with. The question frees us to say, “Of course, given my background and experiences in this society’s power over system, I have been indoctrinated into these ways of thinking and behaving. This admission does not make me a bad person. On the contrary, it frees me to examine myself and make healing changes in the ways I think and behave. It frees me to recognize another way forward.”
This admission also empowers me to challenge others from a place of love and understanding. When Steve, the man I mentioned at the start of this piece, said “You know I’m not homophobic and I’d love to hear the gay perspective on Gore v. Bush,” I saw that in one sentence he had managed to both deny and demonstrate homophobia (imagine asking a heterosexual person for the heterosexual perspective on Gore v. Bush). I also understood that I have done similar things too many times to count. I challenged him knowing that he and I are in this together.

I’ll bring this piece to a close by paraphrasing the words of great minds such as Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Paulo Freire: Pretending neutrality means siding with those who oppress. We are either working to end the attitudes and behaviors—in ourselves and in the institutions of the world around us—that support power over or we are supporting the continuation of those attitudes and behavior. There is no neutral ground.
I will continue to work on this aspect of radical self-awareness personally and share additional insights with you along the way. I look forward to hearing from you as well.

Key Points:

Accepting that I have internalized racist, sexist, and other oppressive attitudes does not make me a bad person. On the contrary, it means I’m being honest about the ways that the world around me has shaped my thoughts and behavior.
Acknowledging my participation in racist, sexist, and other oppressive patterns of thought and behavior can be a powerful first step toward change.
Denial is the enemy of personal and systemic change.
Vigilance regarding my own behavior and appreciative response to constructive feedback from others are essential for deepening self-awareness and increasing positive interactions with others of all backgrounds.
My behavior matters because, together with others, we shape institutions–workplaces, government, educational systems, families, communities–as they shape us and those who come after us.
Power over systems strive to create us and them distinctions. Power with systems strive to affirm that there is no them, only us.

Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, LMFT, SPHR, is an award-winning leader, speaker, consultant, author, and family therapist. He founded GreenGate Leadership® in 2017 after retiring from his role as Vice President, Health and Wellness, at Prudential, where he was responsible for behavioral health services. His team’s work led Prudential to receive the American Psychological Association’s 2017 Organizational Excellence Award. Ken was honored with the 2017 Leadership Award from the Employee Assistance Society of North America (EASNA). The National Alliance on Mental Illness’ New York City Metro Chapter named him 2016 Corporate Leader of the Year. Ken has authored four books and numerous other publications. He is a monthly NBC TV affiliate on-air guest and has been quoted in The Wall Street Journal, Fast Company, Entrepreneur, Inc. Magazine and other media. Learn more at www.greengateleadership.com

Radical Self-Awareness #1 – Introduction: The Importance of Power

January 31, 2019/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

For more than three decades, I’ve been studying human and organizational behavior and sharing what I’ve learned through my work as a speaker, consultant, coach, and therapist. The most important thing I’ve come to know: there will always be more to learn and one of the best learning tools is dialog. So, after you’ve read this piece and those that follow please send me your thoughts, questions, and suggestions—whatever you’d like to share. I look forward to hearing from you and will respond as applicable.
I am excited to bring you this first in a series of articles exploring radical self-awareness. I use this term to describe self-understanding that incorporates awareness of how gender, race, and other identity aspects, including organizational title, shape our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, how we relate to others, and the expectations with which we approach the world. I’ll share concepts, tools, and recommendations that have helped my clients improve their relationships at work, home, and beyond.
Let’s start by examining power, something rarely mentioned despite the fact that it shapes every interpersonal relationship. The rules set by power are so much a part of our lives, like the rules of nature that compel us to breathe, drink, and eat, that we almost always comply without much thought. Here, however, the rules are man-made and following them doesn’t always serve our best interests. We are wise, therefore, to switch off auto-pilot, observe carefully, and practice conscious decision-making.

What is power?

Power is the ability to shape important aspects of our lives, including the ease with which we acquire essentials such as food, water, safety, and shelter. The amount of power we have determines the flexibility with which we can interact with other people, the world of work, and the natural world. The more power we hold, the more control we have over our time and energy. The less power we hold, the more our time and energy gets devoted to activities directed by other people.
Each of us begins life as a powerless infant. We gain power through gifts of nature and from the people who care for us. Many of these power-enhancing gifts develop over the course of years: our size, physical strength, and our ever-improving communication, self-control, and other social skills, to name a few. In our culture, and many others as well, we may draw the greatest share of our power from the amount of money we accumulate and the extent to which we enjoy positive connections with people who have even more than we do.
We gain power other ways as well, through education and training that leads to professional credentials and occupational skills, and through life experiences that key us in to how the world works—the power of “street smarts.”
Our gender, race, sexual orientation, disability status, the degree to which our bodies conform to prevailing standards of beauty, as well as other personal characteristics beyond our control, also contribute greatly to the amount of power we hold. We receive privileges based upon these and other aspects of ourselves, something we’ll discuss in much greater detail in subsequent articles.

Pay attention to power.

If you want to make sense of human relationships, start by paying attention to power. The power a person has and how they choose to use it reveals a great deal about how best to approach living and working with them. I can also tell you that nothing will better help you craft a fulfilling life and career than an honest effort to grasp your own way of understanding and using power.
Disregard power at your own risk. You’ll find yourself lacking an important lens for understanding people and relationships. I’ve known organizational leaders, HR professionals, and therapists who fall into this category. They often see only a communication problem where the essential issue has everything to do with power.

Communication problems?

My phone is dead and I need to make a call. I speak only English and need to share information with someone who speaks only German (I’m on a train somewhere between Berlin and Frankfurt as I write these words). These are communication problems. The following workplace complaints represent something altogether different.

“When I asked a question about the new process my boss got a glazed look in her eyes, folded her arms, and before I’d even finished what I had to say, she said, ‘Why don’t you just follow the guidelines I sent out yesterday?’”
“I was facilitating training with an IT group when one of the participants went off! He stood up and started yelling at me—and he was a huge guy!” I backed up and let him rant until he kind of wore himself out. Then I told the group to take a break. As they were walking out of the room two people said to me, ‘Don’t worry, that’s just Stan—he’s brilliant and he flies off the handle about everything but he’s completely harmless.’”
“I can’t get anywhere with this health insurance claim. Twice now I’ve called the insurance plan and then given them all the information they asked for from my care provider. I just called them for the third time and was told once again that I’d misunderstood them and they need more information. I can’t believe how much time this is taking.”

Do these incidents sound familiar? They’re examples of the breakdown in communication that results from the misuse of power. In the first case, the boss uses her organizational power as a formal leader to disregard her team member’s words. She would benefit from coaching that reminds her of the power she holds as a leader and how important it is to consistently use her power in ways that help team members feel listened to and respected. In the second example, Stan uses the power that comes with his physical size and his value as a “brilliant” technician to get away with intimidating outbursts. There are Stans in almost every organization: employees whose behavior goes unchecked because the benefits of their strong technical skills are thought to outweigh the negative effects of their tantrums. The costs to the organization in terms of turnover, stress, and reduced productivity are overlooked…until violence and/or legal complaints happen. The tragedy here is that leadership’s unwillingness to hold Stan accountable serves nobody’s interest, Stan included, and the right kind of response may well reform Stan’s negative behavior. In the third example, the health insurance representatives use their power to blame and further confuse their plan participant instead of using their power to help get this claim paid. Experience tells me that this misuse of power is extraordinarily common. It begs for an employer-based oversight mechanism ensuring that every claim, brought by an employee or family member, is processed correctly and within a reasonable time frame. Such a mechanism can level the power imbalance between plan participant and health insurer, encouraging the latter to behave more responsibly.
I mentioned earlier how important it is for us to know where we stand when it comes to power. I worked with the most senior leader in a corporate group who loved to display his sarcastic sense of humor. He would say things like, “Oh, I’m surprised to see that you’re working from work today” to an employee who periodically worked from home. Many within his organization understood that he was just having fun and meant no harm. On occasion, however, someone would get upset. I remember talking with him about how important it is to remember that when he speaks to members of his group he is speaking as everybody’s boss and not just as another human being.

Two visions of power:

Broadly speaking, there are two ways to exercise power. We can use power as the right to dominate (power over) or the responsibility to support shared success (power with). The age-old history of human beings choosing the former, more consistently than the latter, lies behind practically everything that’s wrong today. Power over is the rationale behind our efforts to dominate instead of respect the natural world, the cause of a myriad of environmental crises, including, of course, the growing climate crisis. Power over is what ordained two rigidly defined genders as a first step toward justifying domination of one by the other. (Power over within human systems requires us and them distinctions as a starting place.) Thus, power over is the birthplace of patriarchy and sexism. Every additional “us and them” oppression starts from a power over mindset. The list includes racism, homophobia, transphobia, ageism, classism, ableism, antisemitism, Islamophobia, and stigmatizing people who live with certain illnesses (mental illnesses for example). They are all faces of the same evil and they are interconnected in important ways. We’ll discuss them at greater length later on.
Of course, the list above is far from exhaustive. Within work teams, the imposition of power over can be based upon differences that include:

Those who have worked with the leader previously, perhaps at a different company, vs those who have not worked with the leader previously.
Those who like linear project plans vs those who prefer less rigidly structured approaches.
Those with a boisterous interpersonal style vs those who lean toward introversion.

Power with, the alternative to power over, sees power not as the opportunity to dominate and control but, instead, as the responsibility to bring about good things for everybody involved. It is the essence of great leadership, partnering, parenting, and friendship. Indeed, power with is the essence of love.
The table below contrasts key elements of power over and power with.

*Power Over*	*Power With*
The right to dominate	Responsibility for shared success
Command and control	Facilitation
Punitive	Collaborative
Ranks differences	Appreciates differences
“I’m right and you’re wrong.”	“Hmm, I’ve never thought of it that way before.”
One person’s gain requires another’s loss.	Everyone gains.

The following questions can help you use the power over/power with lens to gain insights at work.

Which approach to power best characterizes my workplace?
If my workplace has a power over hierarchy, is there any effort underway to shift toward power with? How can I contribute to such an effort?
Where does my immediate supervisor’s behavior fit on this table? What about that person’s supervisor at the next level in the power structure?
Where would those who report to me and/or my colleagues and coworkers place my behavior?
How does my approach to power change when I’m under pressure?
To what degree would those around me say I use power over related to privileges connected to my gender, race, sexual orientation and/or other aspects of my identity?
In what ways am I working to understand and discard my use of power over related to these privileges?

The power over/power with distinction helps me make sense of relationships at work, within couples and family systems, and within larger systems as well. It can be eye-opening to evaluate community and world events using this framework. Finally, and perhaps most important of all, I use the power over/power with framework to gain insights regarding my own behavior. I hope you find this tool similarly helpful.
Stay with me through this article series. I’ll share what I’ve learned and what I’m learning about how to consistently strive for power with, a cornerstone of radical self-awareness. While I’ll focus mostly on the world of work, the content will also help with life beyond the workplace. If you’d like practical guidance on healthy ways to use power with in couple relationships and as a parent, see my books, Making Love, Playing Power: Men, Women and the Rewards of Intimate Justice and Simple Habits of Exceptional (But Not Perfect) Parents.
As mentioned earlier, I invite your thoughts on this and subsequent articles and I’ll respond as applicable. Please contact me also if you’d like to discuss a speaking event, coaching, or consulting. I look forward to hearing from you.