Mass Appeal TV Show Segment: The Upside of Conflict

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  • The ability to respectfully discuss our differing points of view is a hallmark of adult civility.
  • Insistence on agreement (I’m right and you’re wrong!), name-calling, and other forms of bullying, abuse, or domination show that respect has been discarded.
  • When people speak honestly with one another our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are bound to be at least slightly different.
  • Disagreement, therefore, simply validates the great diversity of experiences and perspectives among us.
  • It helps to approach our differences with a positive, calm tone.
  • When a conflict has brought painful feelings (hurt, sadness, embarrassment) these deserve to be validated and explored, often as a first step toward gaining a shared understanding.
  • Respectfully listening to another person’s view and sharing our own can broaden understanding and build trust.
  • Sometimes the understanding that’s reached is simply agreement to disagree.
  • When in disagreement about significant matters with the people who matter most to us (for example, when a couple must decide where they will live, who will take responsibility for which chores, how major decisions will be made) it’s important to talk the conflict through in order to reach solutions acceptable to all who are involved.
  • Compromise is the key in such circumstances.
  • Avoiding conflict can lead to resentment and emotional distance in a relationship.
  • Addressing conflict opens the path to mutual understanding and greater closeness.

 

Parents, Let’s Make This Memorable Stay-At-Home Time Count!

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We are our kids most important role model and they will probably remember this pandemic stay-at-home time for the rest of their lives. It’s a unique opportunity for us to demonstrate:

  • Calm, thoughtful responses to all the challenges and frustrations we encounter.
  • Great conflict management skills with our co-parent and others:
    • respectful listening
    • sharing our point of view
    • compromising
    • arriving at a shared understanding
  • Creativity and discipline in managing our own time and helping our kids manage their time.
  • Constructive responses to fear and uncertainty:
    • reminding and demonstrating for our kids that information is the antidote to fear by reading and viewing reliable sources of info (not Joe on facebook).
    • assessing needs and planning to fill them rather than acting on fear-driven impulses (going to the grocery store with a carefully planned list instead of hoarding toilet paper).
    • talking openly about our concerns and about how we’re managing them.
  • The value we place on togetherness by playing board games, learning crafts together, learning together to play musical instruments or a new language.
  • Our attention to the difference between things we can control and things we can’t control by showing how important it is to devote energy and time only to those things that we have some control over, not wasting energy and time caught up in frustration.
  • Constructive, thoughtful responses to official public health guidelines.

Monica McGoldrick, my family therapy mentor, once said that she advises parents to ask themselves, “How do you want your kids to remember you and the things they learned from you 20 years from now?” Her question has never been more important.